I was recently asked to complete a thought experiment for a teaching position. The task was simple; create a list of lessons I would teach to a son if I had one.
I broke up this lovely listicle into 4 parts:
- Happiness
- Life skills
- Relationship
- Personal Growth
Here are 25 of the most important lessons I would teach a son.
Happiness
Lesson 1: Yes, you look goofy when you dance but to be honest, no one cares. Enjoy the little things.
It’s weird. As guys, we confront a lot of dangerous situations and often times they’re directly caused by us trying to push lines. However …
I’ve seen more scared looks on the faces of men at the thought of dancing than right before their first skydive.
I think we’re taught not to show a crack in our armour and dancing feels goofy to most. We know we look ridiculous, and many times we just avoid it altogether.
But you should embrace it. First, women love a man that throws caution to the wind and busts a move.
Second, dancing actually makes humans feel better (scientifically proven).
Third, goofiness is not in any way tied to a lack of manliness.
So, don’t get dragged to the dance floor, strut onto it. No one cares that you don’t know how to dance … but I guarantee someone cares if you just let go and do it!
#dancelikenooneswatching
Personal Experience: I became a DJ to avoid dancing. True story. One day I looked out on the dance floor and realized something, 9 out of 10 people dancing in a crowd of thousands look ridiculous! Another true story. We also look stupid working out, having sex and eating ice cream. Don’t worry about the superficial … worry about the joy!
Lesson 2: Wallowing is worthless. The clock never stops ticking.
Do you want to look back when you’re 80 and remember all those dark rooms and nights alone, or do you want to look back on memories that make you smile?
I think this one says all it needs to. We have to push, keep going, rock the bells … just do it. There’s no other way to live because the alternative is to waste time (a commodity that is gone before you know it).
Remember though, you will meet people that can’t achieve this because of limitations that they can’t control. When with them, just try and make the most of the moments you have and hope that you did enough.
#ticktockgoestheclock
Personal Experience: I spent much of my youth playing video games in the basement. As an adult, I spend much of my time trying new things, meeting new people and taking big chances. Sometimes I fall flat. More often than not, I give myself a memory that will last a lifetime.
Lesson 3: Be friends with a woman; entirely platonic. She’ll always be honest with you and won’t gas you up. Women know things that men don’t.
Do you ever notice the guys who have nothing but male friends are usually jerks? That’s often because they’re stuck in an echo chamber of testosterone.
The key to surviving the game of life is to expand your horizons, and the best way to do that as a man is to get a female’s perspective.
Women think, feel, and problem solve differently than us. They process information in ways we don’t even think to try and their intuition is scary accurate most of the time.
I heard a quote once, “A woman is only wrong when she doesn’t follow her instincts and a man is only wrong when he doesn’t have a good woman to confide in.” No idea who said it but in my experience, it’s true.
“Bro! Do it!”
That’s not something you hear from a woman and for good reason. Think of it this way … men dropped nukes and created slavery.
I’m not saying women are better than men but if you want balance in your life, find a friend you’re not trying to spoon with to “see what happens” and confide in her. Then you offer the same council. Your life will be much better as a result.
#besmart
Personal Experience: I have 2 friends in my life who are women that I have no interest in sleeping with. Of course, I did, but once I realized that there was more to our relationship intellectually than sexually, I put a full stop on any efforts to get with them. They have provided me valuable council over the years, helping me stave off disaster more than a few times.
Lesson 4: Being wrogn isn’t the end of the world. An unwillingness to make “it” right might be though.
This is one of those lessons with layers.
First, there has never been a single human alive or dead that has been right 100% of the time. We’re all wrong … and it’s one of the few constants.
Second, if the people in your life hold your mistakes over you like a pane of glass that could rain shards down on you on a whim, they’re not you’re people. It’s time to cut them loose.
Third, if you’re wrong, admit it, and find out how to make it right. An apology is meaningless unless backed by action. Proportional response in life is key.
If you cheat on a test and get caught you don’t deserve to re-test, you deserve to fail.
If you flush someone’s sweater down a toilet you deserve to pay for that sweater and clean up your mess.
Later in life, if you cheat on a partner you need to ask what they need from you to heal. It might be time, it might be to never speak to them again, and it might be actions you never saw coming.
At the end of the day it’s our actions that define us as men and as humans. Being wrong is not going to define you. It’s okay to be wrong. There’s an old expression that to err is human, meaning it is impossible to live any kind of life without getting a few things wrong.
Just do what you can with the knowledge and expertise you have. If you fall short, you should learn from it and do what you can to make it right.
That’s what people will remember.
#manup
Personal Experience: I am wrong constantly. It’s probably because I take a lot of risks. But, I never worry about being wrong. I worry about how I deal with it after. Sometimes I even find that I know I’m right but I end up being wrong. I’ve learned that adjusting is the best we can do and hopefully in the end the people in my life see my willingness to admit my mistakes and grow. If they don’t, then they’re fooling themselves into a false sense of superiority. Just wait, they’ll learn the harder way.
Lesson 5: There are 3 things that a real man never has to regret; being a bad father, being a bad husband, and living a boring life.
This is going to be a more personal lesson than the others so I won’t have a “personal experience” portion at the end.
Men have it pretty easy.
We get to play hard because that’s what men do.
We don’t have to go through the body-altering and dangerous act of childbirth.
And amongst other hero-like feats we don’t have to deal with the realization that all members of the opposite side of the species want to sleep with us and we could get harmed in that pursuit.
That said the measure of how well we do as men is also measured by 3 acts.
I never pictured myself as a father but as I got to know the first kid I ever became close with I knew that if for some reason the day came when I’d be a dad, I would be the absolute best father I could be.
I realized that could mean that my kid would hate me at some points and even curse my name but it wouldn’t matter.
Realizing you have that inside of you is a powerful moment when you’ve suppressed it for so long.
However, what I have always known is that I could never be a bad husband because for all my faults and all the guilt, my wife would be the center of my universe.
It’s partly because of how I was raised and it has a little bit to do with meeting some incredible women along the way on this journey around the sun.
Just like with being a dad I know this means I will often be the source of anger (justifiably and not) and I damn well know my name would be cursed … but that woman would always know, even in the darkest moments that she is loved.
My last measure of manhood might seem out of place but it is the most important because it encompasses all of life.
To be exciting and live it up in this life you need friends, family, to find your passions, to throw caution to the wind, and to have a good soul worthy of my first two points. You can never be bored if you’re happy with yourself.
I believe that never living through the pain of these 3 regrets allows a man to take his final breath without much worry at all … religious or not, because he can die with peace of mind and a smile that won’t go away no matter the circumstance.
#bebetter
Life Skills
Lesson 6: Learn how to shoot a gun, build a wall and fix a car. Also learn how to give a massage, communicate and be vulnerable.
There’s strength in being what we all call manly. Being able to adapt and survive is highly underrated in these modern times. However, another measure of a man is how he treats the people around him, his environment, and especially his partner.
Too often, as boys we are taught that men shouldn’t show emotion. However, this is the lesson of cavemen. A real man can shoot a gun, build a fire, protect his family, romance his partner, cry with his family, and be vulnerable.
There’s a balance to life that — once found — is freeing for a man. Sure, go blow stuff up only to rebuild it for fun, but when you’re done all that, don’t forget to kiss your partner and put the toilet seat down.
#balance
Personal Experience: I am more well rounded as a man today than ever. I believe that comes from learning boxing and also allowing myself to experience the emotional wave of love at my core. I know that today, I could feed my family and protect them while also being a real partner.
Lesson 7: Whatever game you choose to make your own, play with passion and because you want to, or not at all. Even if you suck, the worst-case scenario is you get a workout and have fun. As an adult, fun can be hard to come by.
This may seem silly or inconsequential but it’s not. Life is serious, and games are meant to give us a break from all that can be thrown at us throughout our time spinning around on this green and blue marble. If you’re good enough to “make it” as a pro then you’ll know. Sports and games come with a natural aptitude and then that is honed and crafted into a career.
Just because your mom or dad wants you to be the next Wayne Gretzky doesn’t mean you have to be. When parents are pushing sports on their kids this is often the first chance in life to have a voice. Maybe you love the game of chess or basketball … so say it. Stand up for yourself! It’s your life and you’re never too young to take control of it. Of course, you should still listen to your elders and authority figures but have conversations if you feel at the core of your being that their direction is conflicting with your identity.
Being a kid, your mind will change before breakfast most days too, so know you can always adjust as you feel the need to.
Have fun with games and sport. If you’re not having fun it’s not worth it. As an adult you’ll have bills, commitments, big chores, relationships, and many other commitments. Games are meant to take you out of that mindset and give you time to just enjoy life.
Not every kid is going to be a pro athlete. In fact, 99% won’t be, and while it’s nice to dream, make sure you’re smiling even if you don’t get to hoist the cup.
#passionprojects #doitforthelove
Personal Experience: I wasn’t much of an athlete growing up but I did enjoy basketball, football and road hockey. Knowing early on that I wouldn’t go pro was a gift because it allowed me to not take it so seriously. Now, when I play sports or box I get real enjoyment out of it (even if I suck).
Lesson 8: In all things, lead by example, not explanation. Leave the explanation for when they ask how you did it.
It takes a while to figure out what we’re good at. Once we figure out our strengths and weaknesses, we then have to show the world we can make an impact or at the very least do a great job.
It’s great to dream and important to strategize but you don’t want to be the guy who says he’s going to be in the NBA one day and then never really picks up a basketball.
My recommendation would be to not speak a word of your plans until you know they are realistic and then start figuring out whether you can actually do it by seeking help to get the job done.
No one respected Michael Jordan because he said he would score 60 points in a game. They respected him because he did it and then respected him more when he shared how.
If you’re going to talk big you better be able to back it up.
#showtime
Personal Experience: I was a big talker as a kid and young adult. I was gonna do everything and then when I didn’t, I disappointed people. As an adult, I take on a task quietly and then if people ask, I explain how and why I did it. My life is so much better as a result.
Lesson 9: Your heroes are such because they said yes when most people said no.
Yes, I will get up at 4am to train.
Yes, I will do it after being up till 1am learning.
Yes, I’ll take the risk.
Yes, I’ll jump out of my comfort zone.
Yes, I’m willing to cry and bleed.
Yes, I will train instead of party.
Yes, I’ll carve a new me out of this.
I once ran into a guy I attended grade 7 with. He was coming out of a gas station in a small town. As a kid, he always wanted to be a doctor.
I remember him distinctly talking about it.
Then I remember him drinking EVERY weekend.
Then I remember him always being late.
Then I remember him not graduating.
Then … I remember standing outside the gas station with him telling me he didn’t have a job but it was okay because he lived rent-free at his parent’s place. “One day I’ll get where I need to go.”
But first, a party!
He said a lot of noes throughout his life and it got him nowhere fast. If you want a grand life you have to take grand chances. Your choices won’t always lead to success, but if you aspire for greatness you can’t live a life of no.
Along the way though, celebrate your every success because without taking time to enjoy winning you’ll forget why you’re even trying.
#workhustletoast
Personal Experience: I realized in my 20’s that saying no caused a ripple effect in my life. Practice makes perfect, and eventually, if you say no enough, you end up getting really good at it. Essentially, no becomes your default setting. Don’t let that happen to you.
Lesson 10: Strength is only required when threatened.
Ruling with an iron fist is just another way of saying, “be a bully”. Too often men think that we need to be tough to show our worth. In some situations, that’s absolutely true but many men are never put into a situation where that is tested in the 21st century. That’s a good thing.
It was kill or be killed just to eat generations ago. Now, we go to the supermarket to pick up food or even get it delivered to our homes.
Strength as a physical component is simply a tool you pull out when you need it. As a “bigger” guy I could easily spend 3/4 of my time intimidating my smaller peers but that’s a slippery slope because there’s always someone bigger and eventually you’ll be on the other end of that treatment.
Reason and diplomacy are necessary first steps when dealing with someone. If they can’t be reasoned with, walk away. If they grab you then you can use your strength to end the debate just as they have used it to start something with you.
Guide yourself with permanent strength of character but only use physical strength when encountering another man trying to use their physical strength over you. In essence, don’t be the asshole that throws the first punch.
#strength
Personal Experience: I was small until grade 10. From grades 7–9, I was bullied by this guy named George. It got really bad in grade 9, to the point of physical torture. At the beginning of grade 10, as I saw him approach me to undoubtedly hit me as he had many times before, I stood my ground and knocked him on his ass. This after all diplomacy had failed, including by bonehead Principal telling me, “no one likes a snitch”.
Lesson 11: Clothes don’t make the man but a lot of people think they do. If you want to dress like me you better accessorize with incredible confidence.
I hate suits … with a passion. Ties feel like a noose. Slacks itch. Dress shoes harken to a time before comfort.
Yes, I’ve even tried the tailored suits that come with ridiculous price tags.
The truth is, I’ve never been comfortable in them and I’ve definitely tried. At one point, as I got further into business I changed my whole wardrobe. Then I realized something, I was finding less success.
My comfort level had declined and with it, my ability to be me.
If you grow up to be just like me then you need an immense amount of confidence. No matter what (unless a gala or formal wedding) the closest you’ll see me in anything resembling a suit is a blazer and new V-neck.
This can disrupt a boardroom. But, if you have the confidence to pull it off, people will eventually look past your clothes and realize you’re just different.
#confidencecloses
Personal Experience: I once sat on the board of a company that required a full suit while in the office. Then, one day I just stopped wearing them. The weird looks started and then HR pulled me into a meeting to discuss my “unruly conduct”. I had enough confidence to say, “Did you hire me for my mind or my fashion-sense? If it’s the latter, then I’ll go pack up my desk.” We met in the middle (blazer and V-neck, both dark) and the rest of my time with the company was spent comfortably killin’ it.
Lesson 12: Play to your strengths: if you’re funny be funny. If you’re quiet, be quiet.
Another late in life lesson.
As a kid I was awkward and shy but always trying to be cool and extroverted. Then, there was the suit incident I spoke of before. That suit incident actually helped me understand that you need to have the confidence to be yourself.
It’s hard to be a genuine version of yourself. Doing so requires hard work and real internal honesty. One day, I made a list:
- I want to be the guy people call crazy.
- I want to travel more than most.
- I want to really fall into love (not the BS Hallmark version).
- I want to learn something new every year.
- I want to have enough money to not worry about money but anything above that will go to good causes.
I felt like each of these played to my strengths. I felt quite misunderstood for a lot of years and then a realization hit me like a bolt of lighting. Other’s understanding me doesn’t matter as long as I go to bed happy at night. That’s my main strength; resiliency. It’s why I take risks and am completely okay with people thinking I’m crazy … I am.
Relationships
Lesson 13: Expect more than platitudes from people. Your circle gets tighter and there’s no time to waste on fair-weather friends.
There are few lessons harder to learn than that which is taught to us by toxic people. As kids we are raised to see the best in others. As we grow older there are those that evolve into embracing kindness and those that evolve into taking advantage of it.
If you hear sorry from someone more than you hear thank you and worse, if you don’t see sorry in their actions then you know which person they’ve evolved into.
Love is a tricky emotion to navigate, whether it’s love for a partner, a parent, or a friend. It tricks us into thinking that with enough effort everyone can be saved or it will be worth it in the end.
Sometimes, people are just evil in such a subtle way that you could spend a lifetime helping them while they spend your lifetime hurting you.
Surround yourself with those who show you that you matter; they pick up the phone when you need them, will stand back-to-back with you in a fight, will break that final piece of bread when you’re both hungry, and will call you on your shit.
#knowyourworth
Personal Experience: As a boy, friends seem limitless. You literally congregate with as many people in your age group as possible on a daily basis. As you get older though, the friend pool goes from 6 feet deep to wading levels. Don’t waste your time on people that make you think, “Do they actually care?” I once had a friend who I’d meet for lunch once or twice a week. The conversation was almost always fantastic. Then, one day we had a misunderstanding and I apologized, she didn’t. I now stay away and realize in hindsight that those fantastic conversations were actually toxic because we were feeding off of negativity in our lives.
Lesson 14: Understand attraction and never be afraid to say “hi” if you find it. Your life can be defined by missed opportunities or amazing moments.
It doesn’t matter your sexual orientation.
Understanding how attraction works is as important as most life lessons.
Finding someone to spend a moment, night, a year, or your life with, teaches you humility, class, courage, and many, MANY other life lessons.
In sales there’s a term called “cold calling”. Essentially, it’s calling someone out of the blue and trying to sell them what you have to offer. This is a great approach for business but an absolutely terrible approach to companionship.
You want to wait for verbal or non-verbal cues. Don’t worry, you’ll know them when they appear. If those cues don’t exist then any interaction will be forced. Never force it!
A warm smile is all it takes. Wave back and if you get any kind of a cue from the person that’s caught your eye then you’re safe to approach.
I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a woman. Us guys have it lucky. We’re generally left alone most of the time. Women are bombarded by guys constantly … no exception. If you can learn to properly process attraction and approach only when you’re given the courtesy to do so, you’ll avoid many of the issues that we guys face.
Be respectful. There is no rush but never pass up on a warm smile … unless you’re with someone. Then be a man and not a cheat.
#reallawofattraction
Personal Experience: I once met a woman so beautiful that guys walked into poles when they walked past her. She was, by all traditional definitions, out of my league. But, a happenstance smile at a restaurant was all it took. I was nervous, but I said, “hi”. 2 years later, we parted as friends, having experienced an incredible relationship.
Lesson 15: If someone tells you their secret, keep it! Trust is earned.
It can be quite easy to get stuck in the gossip trap; you’re told something interesting, salacious, or shocking, and suddenly you find yourself running a little local talk show.
You run around and tell people what you know, asking their opinions, then it gets back to the person that felt they could trust you.
It is one of the more difficult tasks in life to gain the trust of another, but a near-impossible mission to reclaim it after you smash trust into a million pieces.
Be the guy people can trust and you’ll find the rewards of such dedication to their trust will pay dividends … both in the relationship and for yourself.
But, there is a caveat. If your friend tells you he kills people for fun … you should probably dime that dude out!
#trustisearned
Personal Experience: I will admit, this was a hard one for me to learn, as I think it is for most. We love gossip and we are a tribal species. Once I learned this lesson I realized that I’d rather be a part of a tribe with few members who really trust each other than a tribe with plenty of people who talk shit about each other.
Lesson 16: Sex is important in any variety. Never use it as a weapon, a tactic, or for anything but mutual pleasure.
This one most definitely applies to both sexes but as you become a man this becomes increasingly important.
You’ll be confronted with situations (especially when you’re between 16–25) where you could use sex as a weapon. Those situations can range from pretending to be interested in a girl just to get laid, to not knowing if she’s too drunk and just going for it anyway.
No matter what the reason or circumstance, when you weaponize sex you inevitably hurt her, kill a piece of her, or destroy her entire world.
I know this can be a weird way of looking at it but you would never want anyone to hurt your mom, right? Your bestie? Any woman in your life? Then why would any man have any right to hurt someone else’s mom, bestie, sister, daughter …
You’ll have less sex if you follow the right path, but it will be better.
One last thing, always be honest about your intentions. All of your friends who are going to complain about their “psycho girls” or “batshit FWB” are almost always the creators of their own hell. Be clear with the woman you want and you’ll avoid problems later.
Or don’t, and find out what the pain of being kicked in the balls is like. Either way, you’ll learn.
#mutualrespect
Personal Experience: I worked in nightlife for quite a few years. Every night, I saw cheesy guys lay down cheesy lines that worked on some women and not on others. These guys were in the volume business. Hit on 10 women a night and go home with 1. Good God, the fall out from those “relationships” was immense. I stuck to genuine compatibility and ended up with less drama, more memories and mutual respect with many of my exes or lovers that remains today.
Lesson 17: When you marry a girl, you marry her family. It is your job to endear yourself to them.
When you meet a woman you want to spend the rest of your life with do not discount how important family is.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
Make a stellar first impression.
Don’t brag. You probably have some awesome stories but there are a time and a place for storytime. If her dad is talking about how he had a profitable season at work, relate to his story through experience but don’t try to one-up him … even if your story is better.
Should you bring a bottle of wine or flowers for the mom and beer for the dad? If you’re asking yourself this … then do it. Just make sure you know what they like. It’s better to overdeliver.
Be humble and only involve yourself in conversations you are brought into.
Show affection for your lady but don’t be all up in her business. A father wants to see respectful admiration for his daughter. No tongue at the family house but a lingering kiss on the forehead goes a long way. Smile at her, gawk at her, hold her hand. Family notices these things, and these elements of your relationship should already be there naturally.
Offer a helping hand.
A lot of families break off after dinner; men in one room, women in the other. Go with the men but check in on the women. Even if there’s no reason to, just excuse yourself to go to the washroom and say hi.
Try without trying to make them laugh. Everyone appreciates a person that can make them feel good.
Something I was reminded of recently; stick to correct names. You need to earn the right to use long-standing family nicknames. You’ll know when.
If you run into issues, confront them diplomatically with that family member. Chances are whatever the issue is, there’s just a misunderstanding somewhere along the line.
The important point here is to understand that if you don’t put in the effort you could have issues down the road. I’ve seen a lot of great relationships end because of family issues.
Like all things ‘relationship’, just be you. If it’s not appreciated then it’s the wrong relationship.
#family
Personal Experience: I often get asked how I have such great relationships with the families of the women I’ve dated long after the relationship is over. In one instance, the father of a girl I dated saw me in the mall and came to hug me with tears in his eyes. My friend was baffled and asked how I do it. My answer was simple, I gave them the respect they deserve because they gave me a gift that changed my life. It’s cheesy, but 100% accurate.
Lesson 18: Don’t take dating advice from anyone because nobody knows what they’re doing.
Every man is different. Every woman is different. Every relationship is different; whether it lasts 1 minute or a whole lifetime.
We make a common mistake, and that is to ask for dating and relationship advice from our friends, but just like you, they’re just as confused.
Truth be told, no one is behind closed doors with you and the apple of your eye so the best the person giving advice can do is guess at what is right.
Guess?
Does that sound like the right play when matters of the heart hang in the balance?
Instead of soliciting advice from someone who has a partial bag of facts and opinions, talk to the only other person that matters … your partner.
Don’t ask, “What do you think she’s thinking?” of a friend.
Instead ask, “What are you thinking? What do you want? What can we do to make it happen?” of the person you’re with.
Communication is such an underrated skill. If 2 people can nail communication then the world is their oyster. Never settle for anything less than a partner you can talk to about anything.
While I give you this advice I make a declaration of sorts. I will not give or solicit for any more advice as it relates to dating or relationships. I’ll walk the walk.
#beateam
Personal Experience: Since first writing this I’ve stuck to my declaration and I’m better for it. There’s a caveat to this lesson though. I’m not saying don’t listen to other people’s experiences and think about what they’ve said when it comes to relationships. I talk with friends about their relationships all the time. Just remember, that the buck starts and stops with your partner.
Lesson 19: Respect your elders and really listen to their stories.
This is a lesson I learned way too late in life and one of my only true regrets. Your elders might seem like a bunch of out of touch fossils but I guarantee they’ve been through some shit. The lessons they learned can help you get ahead in the game of life.
I didn’t fully appreciate my grandparents until it was almost too late. Once I did find appreciation for them, I improved my life by leaps and bounds.
Lessons they taught me simply by telling stories from their past stick with me to this day. Without those lessons I would have had to make the same mistakes.
My Grandfather on my mom’s side taught me how to use technology and to make life more enjoyable.
My Grandfather on my dad’s side taught me the value of art.
My Grandmother on my dad’s side taught me (by not travelling) to travel and that you can love someone while being angry.
My Grandmother on my mom’s side taught me that kindness gets the job done faster and better than brute force in the majority of cases.
My Great Uncle had a line, “Don’t stop or the Grimm Reaper will get you!” Sure, we all die, but if you push limits and give life all you’ve got, it really won’t matter because you’ll be able to look back on a life well-lived.
#listentogrow
Personal Growth
Lesson 20: Be confident and humble at the same time.
This is a tough lesson to learn, an even harder lesson to conquer, and I get why.
You look up at and to people that are supposed to be heroes and you see a bad example. POTUS45 is confident but lacks humility. The leader of Canada is extremely humble but gets stepped on by many that should be his equals.
When the 2 people that are supposed to set the best example for you don’t, how could this balance be expected of you?
Here’s a secret; the vast majority of people are deeply flawed and our leaders are just people at the end of the day.
Sure, you might be better than most at quite a few things in life but a true gentleman (and a man with friends) knows that contribution speaks louder than boasting. Let what you do in this world speak volumes.
This doesn’t mean that you should hide your accomplishments though. Share with people who are genuinely interested in your life story, but also listen and absorb their story as well.
Humility is accomplishing feats that you set your mind to while not having to remind everyone you talk to that you did it.
Confidence is going forward with your accomplishments guiding the next step and not taking shit from someone just because they have an opinion, while you have experience.
#listen
#learn
#share
#do
Personal Experience: If you are lucky enough to grow up with extraordinary stories, tell them in the frame of someone else’s conversations and always relay the message that you were a part of a machine that made it happen.
There’s a big difference between announcing you worked a cool job and sharing the story while others tell their stories of accomplishment. Also, there’s a big difference between, “I did this,” and, “The team I worked with on X project were amazing.”
Lesson 21: Heroes are benchmarks, not Gods
Maybe your hero is Sid the Kid.
Maybe it’s Neil DeGrasse Tyson.
Maybe it’s Barack Obama.
Or maybe you look up to a fictional character such as Tony Stark.
It really doesn’t matter who your heroes are but it is important not to worship them. There’s a thin line between admiration and blind adulation.
Your heroes are simply human. They do amazing things but they also get up in the morning, brush their teeth, put on clothes, and go about their day just as you do. They are you with hard work and a bit of luck.
Don’t mimic them because their path is different than yours. Don’t pretend they are without flaws because when they mess up you want to be grounded in reality. Don’t buy what they sell blindly because there are a lot of people selling snake oil.
Admire your heroes but look at them through a lens of realism. Every single person on this earth is just trying to make it and some get luckier than others.
Want to be a firefighter? Look to the firefighters in your community and learn from them. Want to be an actor? Study your favourite actor’s work and learn from them. They are a benchmark but only a benchmark.
#heroes
Personal Experience: I loved hockey growing up and idolized Mark Messier. He was fast, strong and didn’t take shit from anyone. As a kid, I was small and scrawny while scared of getting hurt. I firmly believe it was because I tried so hard to play like Messier that I never succeeded in hockey on any level. Had I just played to my strengths, I would have likely found some success.
Lesson 22: Money is survival, not a measuring stick.
It can be incredibly easy to get caught up in measuring people by what they have, especially when you start to accumulate wealth.
Don’t fall into this trap. A man’s worth is not in his net worth but rather his ability to live with joy that doesn’t compromise others.
Sure, it’s nice to have the finer things but you having a sweet ride, a ballin’ home, and season tickets do not make you better than the guy in the clunker, living in a studio apartment in the ghetto, who can only see the big game by hitting a lounge and sipping on a single beer all night.
Your worth is only worthy of distinction when you don’t lord over others simply because you worked hard and got lucky. Remember, economies change and luck runs out.
COVID-19 has wiped out more millionaires than any other event in history. How much of an identity crisis do you think those guys are going through right now?
If you fall, you don’t want to land hard on the cement. Instead, you’d like those who have fallen to help break your fall just as you should do for them. That won’t happen if you were ungracious when you had wealth.
Seeing money as nothing more than a tool for survival changes your relationship with it.
#momoneynoproblem
Personal Experience: I have had varying degrees of wealth and have lost it all twice. What got me through was knowing that I had an incredible support system and people that I could plot my return with. If you’re an asshole with money, you’ll feel like you live on an island eventually.
Lesson 23: Being comfortable is far more important than being cool.
I know it can seem incredibly important and satisfying to be the cool guy. But, here’s the thing about that … cool doesn’t last.
A style
A haircut
The car you drive
How hard you floss
Having the latest kicks
The list goes on and on and the common thread between each of these cool elements in your life is that they will come and go. At one point it was cool to have frosted tips in your hair, rhinestones on your jeans, and a skin tone as orange as … well, an orange.
Today, that guy would get laughed at. Comfort is where it’s at. There’s no better feeling than being comfy in your own skin wrapped in clothes that make you feel confident.
That’s the real point. Once you find your comfort level, you will find increased confidence.
Always remember that it doesn’t matter what they think of you, it matters what you think of yourself when you lay your head on the pillow at night.
Cool is expensive. Comfort is rewarding.
Cool is trendy. Comfort is timeless.
Cool is loud. Comfort contains mystery.
#dontfollow
Personal Experience: I have a horrible hairline and a bumpy head. Grow or shave, I’m screwed. I decided years ago that I’ll just go with what I feel confident doing. For a long time, that was shaving my head but over the past few months I’ve felt uncomfortable with my baldness. That led to a lack of confidence. So, I’ve grown out my hair and I’m comfortable again. I guarantee that will mean more success and happiness.
Lesson 24: Asking questions is more important than having all the answers.
This might sound ironic coming from me but the only road to knowledge is through a maze of questions.
People often ask how I know some of the ridiculous information that I do, and it’s simply by asking more questions than most.
I’m by no means special. My intellect comes from a willingness to learn. In fact, when I was a kid the teachers sent me to the “rubber room”. Little did we all know it wasn’t because I was dense, but rather because I was bored.
Today, I learn what is both useful and interesting to me and as such my retention is spectacularly better than when I was in school.
Knowledge is power: trite but true. The only way to overcome the hurdles of life is by empowering yourself. If you can answer the questions, you’re golden. If you can admit you don’t know and are willing to learn, you’re a diamond in the rough.
#learnalways
Personal Experience: I was never interested in much of anything until I went to business school. In high school, I graduated with a 52% average but in university I was top of my class, won awards, and had other students coming to me for help. I found something I was interested in and from that day forward I have only tackled subjects I find interesting. And, I don’t just tackle them, I absorb them. My research is extensive and bipartisan and my takeaways often disrupt my life.
Lesson 25: We’re all different, never hold that against someone.
In school, you’ll always see kids making fun of the kid with glasses, or the kid with gay parents, or the kid with a stutter. The list of ways kids torture each other is long.
Even throughout my adulthood, I come across guys that didn’t grow out of this phase.
Being different isn’t something to be mocked, it is simply being different. Nothing more, nothing less. People are defined by their actions and manners. It really shouldn’t matter if they have glasses, gay parents or a stutter.
Good people that you can have legitimately fulfilling relationships with are few and far between. Don’t exclude people simply on a surface level difference.
#equalityindifference
Personal Experience: I had a friend who was different. He was a midget, walked slowly with a limp and had a myriad of medical complications that forced him onto meds that made him loopy. A lot of people shunned him but there was a core group of us that treated him exactly as we treated each other. When he passed, I found myself saying he was the tallest guy in the room without even realizing it.
I may never have a son, and that’s okay. But, if I ever do I recognize that I am truly ready because my lessons will help him become a better person than me. Isn’t that what we all want for our children?
If I ever have a daughter though, I’m screwed. The first guy that hurts her gets to feel but one lesson; boxing.
